Carlito and Santino go to 'RoidsWorld
by Christian Orton
Summary: What happens when Carlito and Santino go on a road trip to find 'RoidsWOrld? Will Carlito go nuts? Will Santino ever master English? Find out!
1. The Marine 2?

"Are we there yet?" Said Santino Marella in a whiny voice.

"No," Carlito replied.

"Are we there yet?"

"No,"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO!" Carlito yelled. Driving in the summer heat is starting to get to him.

"For the last time, Cabron, we are not there yet! We're on the middle of the friggin' road!" Carlito said, finally blowing off some steam.

"Relax, my dear friend, relax. I know! Santino will calm you down with a nice road trip song." Santino said.

"God, kill me now…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing…just sing." Carlito said.

For the next two hours, Santino sang a horrible, broken-English rendition of Crank That (Soulja Boy)". After the second hour ended, Carlito was starting to lose it. He glanced at Santino, who was screaming at the top of his lungs, and he glanced at the conveniently placed lead pipe on the floor. Reaching slowly, Carlito grabbed the pipe with a devilish smile on his face. As Santino was busy serenading another car that pulled up beside them, he raised his arm waiting to strike until Santino surprisingly stopped singing. Carlito, understandably ashamed, lowered the pipe and continued driving.

"Are we there yet?" Santino asked.

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH" Carlito yelled, possibly losing the last verge of his sanity.

"Calm-a down Carlito, you remind me of Rodney the Piper. He make me a-so mad!!

"Finally, a gas station!" Carlito said, pointing to a gas station by the road.

"Why should we stop? We have-a full tank of gas?" Santino asked.

"No time to explain. Just sit there and watch the car." Carlito said, as he got out of the car. As he left the car, he sighed and smiled.

Carlito went inside the convenience store and immediately bumped into Robert Patrick of The Terminator and The Marine fame.

"Hey! You're Robert Patrick!" Carlito said.

"Yeah, yeah, who the hell are you?" Robert said.

"I'm Carlito, I work for WWE." Carlito said, extending his hand.

"Oookay…I gotta go now, bye!" Robert said, running out he door frantically.

Carlito stared at him for a while until suddenly the store exploded in a fiery blaze. Santino, who was eating a subway sandwich, just stared blankly into space. He glanced at Carlito's carcass, shrugged, and then continued eating. Luckily, Carlito was still alive. He got up and was real banged up. He looked back at the destroyed convenience store and fell to his knees.

"WHY GOD? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??" He said, yelling towards the heavens.

"Cut! What the hell is going on here??" Yelled the director.

Carlito looked around and saw that they were on the set of a new movie. He stared, mouth open as Santino signed some autographs for some of the crew of the movie. He turned to see John Cena sitting with other actors, some dressed in Mafia costumes and one dressed as a clown.

"Hey! Get off my set!" The director yelled at Carlito.

"Hey man, chill. This here's Carlito." Cena said, putting his arm around the confused Carlito. They walked away from the director and took a tour around the set.

"So, what are you guys doing here anyway?" Cena asked.

"Me and Santino are on our way to a house show, but we had to stop."

"For gas?"

"For my sanity."

"Ooookay…"

"So what movie are you making? 12 rounds?" Carlito asked.

"Naw, I film that on Mondays. We're making The Marine 2." Cena replied.

"Oh…But what's with you guys blowing up stores? Didn't that already happen at the first movie??"

"Yeah, but we're filming a flashback sequence."

"Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier to use old footage instead of having to legitimately blow up a convenience store?"

John Cena open his mouth to argue but couldn't counter with Carlito's logic. Instead, he used a technique long perfected by his ancestors to keep annoying co-workers away.

"Hey, uh, why don't you guys head over to 'Roids World! It's the best!"

"'Roids World?? What's that?"

"It's, um, it's a magical place filled with imagination!" Cena said, whilst forming a rainbow with his hands like Spongebob Squarepants.

"Oooookay…Where can I find it?"

"You'll have to believe it exists in order for you to find it. Oh, and did I mention they have steroids that can help shut Santino up forever??"

Within seconds, Carlito was back in the car.

"Hey, where's the cheesy puffs?" Santino asked.

"Not now, we've got to find 'Roids World!"

"Disney World?"

"No, 'Roids World!"

"Oh. By the way, I just got John Chay-nuh's autpgraph! Take-a look!" Santino said, handing Carlito an autographed photo of him and John Cena.

"It's pronounced 'See-nah' and why would you ask him for his autograph? We're co-workers! We worked a handicap match with him two nights ago!" Said Carlito, handing him a photo of John Cena applying the STF-U on Santino, while on the background, Carlito can clearly be seen laughing.

"Oooh that makes me a-so mad!" Santino said.

"Next up, 'Roids World!!" Carlito said as they sped away, into the sunset .

* * *

My first ever comedy fanfic. Be sure to give reviews!

-- Christian Orton.


	2. White Castle and Truckers

Carlito and Santino had been on the road for hours. All the beer is gone, and sadly Santino doesn't have any cheesy puffs to help pass the time. After a really long time, they see a steak house up ahead. So they park their car and get inside. The whole steak house was empty except for two other guys who were busy stuffing their faces with steak. Carlito and Santino sat far away from the two men, until they were spotted and started to approach them.

"Psst, don't look now, but those guys are coming over here." Carlito said.

Santino turned his head and stared at the two guys, prompting Carlito to grab him and twist his neck back.

"Didn't Carlito tell you not to look?!" Carlito said.

"Calm down my dear friend, they probably just want an autograph from me, Santino Marella." Santino said smugly.

The two men, an Asian and an Indian, were apparently just looking for some hot sauce, as they moved past Carlito and Santino.

"Hey! Where-a are you going? Santino Marella and Carlito is sitting right here!" Santino said loudly, calling after them.

The attention of the two men was caught as they dropped their hot sauce and went over to their table. Carlito made eye contact with the Indian and saw a dazed look in his eyes. Carlito glanced at the Asian and saw a hint of sexual perversion in him.

"Hey man, are two high or something?" Carlito asked.

"Nope, not yet, but we will be." The Indian replied.

"How rude of us, my name is Harold and this here is Kumar." The Asian said.

"Nice to be meeting you. Now, how about that autograph?" Santino said, readying his pen.

"Sorry bros but we can't stop now. We're on a quest to find White Castle." Kumar said.

"Well, we are looking for Steroids World! Have-a you seen it?" Santino said.

"Nope, the only drug for us is the one waiting for us at our car." Kumar said, dreamily.

"Dude, we lost our car again, remember? Some guy named Ryan Seacrest stole it." Harold said.

"Damn, where's Neil Patrick Harris when you need him?" Kumar said.

"Oooookay…Listen, you go-a and start the car while I handle this." Santino whispered into Carlito.

Carlito agreed and went over to their car and turned on the engine. He pulled up in front of the door and waited for a while, until he realized something was up.

"What the hell is taking so lo—Oh dear God!" Carlito said.

From his seat he could see Santino grabbing Kumar by the collar of his shirt, bitching slapping him repeatedly, while Harold crawled to a corner in a feeble position. The waiters and the chefs were busy running from Santino and were probably dialing 911 on the phone.

"No! Santino! What the hell are you doing?" Carlito yelled, getting back inside.

"You stupid immigrant! You don't-a want Santino's autograph?!" Santino yelled at Kumar.

"Santino! Let him go!" Carlito said, pulling him away from Kumar.

"What are-a you doing?" Santino demanded.

"Saving you from doing any jail time! I thought you were handling it?!"

"Yes, I was. I thought we agreed to beat-a them up?"

"No! I was going to start the car while you distract them!"

Santino looked confused and for a while, was in deep thought. Afterwards, he let out a big smile and started to laugh.

"Oh…My apologies dear friend. By any anyway, no harm done right?" Santino said.

"Whatever, let's just get to the car." Carlito said.

"Dude, where's our car?" Carlito then said, looking out the window.

"Oh, when you were restraining me, I-a saw those two immigrants steal it." Santino said.

Carlito stared at Santino, mouth foaming and eyes burning with rage.

"Why didn't you do something?" Carlito demanded.

"You were restraining me." Santino answer simply.

After screaming and stomping for about half an hour, Carlito finally calmed down and the two of them began to walk. Occasionally, a car would pass by and Carlito would be quick to hitch hike. Sometimes, they'd be ignored. Other times they'd stop, only to be driven away be Santino. At this point, Carlito was just about to snap. Suddenly, a bright light started to flash. It was a huge truck. Carlito signaled for it to stop and luckily for them, it did. The door opened and a large furry man spat out some tobacco unto the road, hitting Carlito's shoes.

"Hey, you spat on my shoes!" Carlito said.

"I know, I was aiming for it." The trucker said, "So you boys comin' or what?"

They begrudgingly entered the truck and were off. The truck smelled like it had a burning corpse in it. There were posters of naked girls everywhere and the trucker looked like he hadn't taken a bath in years.

"So, uh, thanks for picking us up." Carlito finally said.

"Think nothing of it boy." The trucker said, looking into Carlito's eyes lovingly.

His stare made Carlito uneasy. He tried to look away, but every time he'd turn to face the trucker, their eyes always met. In fact, the trucker seemed to be staring more at Carlito than the road.

"Hey, don't you need to keep your eyes on the road or something?" Carlito asked.

"Boy, when you've traveled this here parts as much as I do, you don't need to look at the damn road as much as you used to."

"So…what-a do you do?" Santino asked.

"I'm a homosexual delivery boy." The trucker answered plainly.

Carlito nearly choked on his own spit as heard the trucker's answer. He felt a strong hand on his lap. He turned to see the trucker smiling suggestively at him.

"Don't be nervous boy, I handle with care." The trucker said.

"Wait just a moment," Santino said, "You are-a faggot?!"

"That's what some people call me." The trucker said in a prideful tone.

"OOhh, that make-a me so mad!!" Santino said, as he grabbed the trucker and began attacking him.

Carlito didn't have time to react. He was still shocked at the trucker's sexual orientation and Santino's apparent homophobia to care that they were now crashing towards a tree.


	3. Narnia!

When Carlito woke up, the truck was now stationed against a tree. He looked around for Santino, only to find him by a bonfire nearby.

"What happened?" Carlito asked.

"That trucker turned out to be-a fag so I threw him out of the truck. Then we crashed into this-a tree." Santino said.

"Where's the trucker now? And where did that fire come from?" Carlito asked.

"The trucker is most probably at a police-a station, reporting us for stealing his truck and for assaulting him…Oh, and he was keeping beef jerky in his truck so I burned it to make-a a fire."

"You burned our food?!" Carlito said.

"Relax my dear friend. We've never had such a great-smelling fire before."

"Wait, what was that??" Carlito said, turning around.

From the distance he saw a large mob enter the forest. The one leading it was the gay trucker they had met. The mob consisted of several policemen and some openly-gay truckers.

"How did you know he went to the police station?!"

"Oh, we passed by one and I saw that-a faggot limp towards it when I threw him out." Santino said.

"Crap!" Carlito said, grabbing Santino by the arm and running for their lives.

"Why'd you have to throw him out of his truck?" Carlito demanded.

"I cannot forgive him for what he did to my people! They put-a us in concentration camps and made us wear socks with sandals." Santino shot back.

"Those weren't gay people! They were the Nazis and they only did that to Jews! You're Italian!!"

"Oh." Santino said, "My bad then."

They both ran screaming towards the woods. In the middle of it all, they saw a wardrobe. Not wanting to be caught by the mob, they entered the wardrobe and hid inside it. The wardrobe was roomier that they thought and it started to get cold inside. Pretty soon, they felt ice underneath their feet. They turned to see a huge lamp post and a forest covered with snow. They walked around a bit until they bumped into an odd goat-like creature.

"Hello, I'm Mr. Tumnus and welcome to Narnia!" The faun said, waving around a sack of cheesy puffs.

"Hey! That's-a my cheesy puff!!" Santino yelled.

Scared, Mr. Tumnus ran away from the enraged Italian and ran off into the woods. Carlito chased after them until he found Santino standing over the bloody faun.

"Why?" The faun said sadly.

"L-L-Lucy!! I'm not….a….pedophile…Don't go." He said before coughing out some blood and died.

"Why did you kill him?!" Carlito said, kneeling down and caressing Tumnus' head.

"He was my favorite Narnia character…" He said, tears flowing.

"He got hair on my cheesy puffs." Santino said.

Anger surging through him, Carlito picked up a conveniently-placed crow bar on the ground and was about to swing when he saw the most beautiful thing in the world.

It was like a scene from some obscure fairy tale book. There were people, muscular men and women and they were all wearing medieval type clothing. There was a huge castle and shops all over. Dirty children were playing and the women looked as if they were bare underneath their clothes. Carlito dropped the crowbar and threw aside Tumnus' corpse, not noticing a teenage boy dragging it away and attacking it with the crowbar.

"I never liked you, you no good goat!" Skandar Keynes said, as he mutilated Tumnus.

Carlito dragged Santino towards the village.

"We're here…RoidsWorld!!" Carlito said happily.


	4. RoidsWorld at last!

Carlito and Santino walked cautiously into the camp site. Their eyes were filled with wonder and glee as they stared at the wonderful sight. Large muscular men and women! Even muscular children! Carlito wept out of joy as he ran towards one of the men and hugged him.

"It's even better than I thought!" Carlito said.

"Why are you hugging my ass?" The man said in an English accent.

"I think he's gay." The other man said to the guy.

"He could be a hippie on LSD…" A muscular-looking woman said.

Santino, meanwhile, was walking around the camp eating his cheesy poofs. He kept walking around obliviously until he bumped into some muscular-looking children.

"Hello children, do you want-a my autograph?" Santino said.

"Hey! Do we know you from somewhere?"

Santino smiled smugly. He took out an enlarged photo of himself and readied his pen.

"You're Elton John, aren't you? The gay musician!"

Santino screamed and grabbed the boy by his 19 inch, muscular arm. The other kids looked terrified. They had no other choice but to look on as Santino started to foam from the mouth and began spanking the boy mercilessly, as well as poking him with his pen and began writing his signature all over the boy's body.

"I am not a faggot! Sandals!" Santino screamed.

Meanwhile, Carlito was busy roaming the place. Other than his own steroids, he was still looking for the one's that Cena claimed to be able to shut Santino up for good. He could picture it in his head as a fuzzy dream sequence took over his mind…

* * *

(cue fuzzy dream sequence music)

"Hey Santino, pass me a beer!" Carlito said in his dreams.

Santino grunted, but couldn't speak. His mouth had shrunken to the size of a small belly button. All he could consume was liquid foods. He tossed Carlito a beer as he continued to grunt.

"Now that's cool!"

(fuzzy dream sequence ends)

* * *

Carlito's smile broadened as he continued to picture a silent Santino. In fact, he was so absorbed in his imagination, that he didn't notice the janitor in front of him, and then bumped into him. The janitor was so familiar, with his long blond hair, his muscular physique and his long nose and beard. Now that beard was familiar…

"Sorry, man, I didn't see…Triple H?!" Carlito said in shock, "Triple H works as a janitor in Roid's World? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"I need the job to pay the bills." Triple H said softly, "That cheap bastard I call a father-in-law, Vince McMahon, doesn't pay me enough."

But Carlito wasn't listening. He was still laughing at Triple H's medieval stable boy/janitor costume and the fact that he works there to even pay attention. After a while, Carlito wiped the tears out of his eyes and then calmed down.

"You done?" Triple H asked.

At that exact moment, Carlito continued to laugh again. His laughter was stopped however, by the sounds of screaming muscular children running towards them. Most of them were covered in ink, but not just any ink. Ink in the form of Santino's signature.

"That's not cool" Carlito said, as he ran towards the place where the children came from.

It was a horrible mess. A tent was on fire. Pigs were running loose. People were running from what they described as an "Insane Italian". From the distance, Carlito could see Santino burning Elton John CD's. Santino was suddenly wearing face paint, and he was chanting some sort of weird savage language as Umaga and some weird, old-looking kid named Francis Orig danced in the background.

"Santino! NOOOOOO!" Carlito yelled, as he ran towards them.

"Oh, hello my dear friend!" Santino said, suddenly calming down, "How's the steroid search a-going?"

"Are you mad?! What are you doing?!"

"Me and my-a new friends," Santino said, pointing to Umaga and the weird, old kid, "Was just doing an ancient tribal dance."

"Umaga's your friend?!" Carlito said in a surprised tone.

"Yo! Carlito!" Umaga said in a deep voice, "What's up?"

"And he can speak English…" Carlito said to himself.

He looked around the chaotic place. It was dirty and filthy. Some of the tents were on fire, probably Santino's fault. The animals from the petting zoo were now running amok, and suddenly, he spotted John "Bradshaw" Layfield, dressed as a gypsy, dancing near a bonfire. His vision stared to fade away, and he collapsed on the floor.

"Poor Carlito." Santino said, standing over him, eating cheesy poofs, "He fell asleep."

"I think he fainted," Umaga said, looking over Santino's shoulder.

"YOU CAN TALK??" Santino yelled, finally realizing the fact that Umaga can speak.

* * *

Author's note:

Running out of ideas...one more chapter...uhhhh...


	5. Finale

"Carlito!.. Carlito!"

Carlito shook his head. When he woke up, he was in some sort of tent. Santino was looking over him, still eating cheesy poofs and getting crumbs all over the bed.

"S-S-Santino?"

"Whew, you-a scared me there for a minute." Santino said.

"What happened?"

"You fainted and then you-a crapped your pants."

Santino pointed to a pair of shit-covered pants folded neatly over by the corner.

"Wait…If I shit myself…then what am I wearing now?"

"Cotton tights! I made-a them myself!" Santino said proudly.

Carlito hurriedly threw the blanket away and watched in horror as his legs started to itch due to the bad quality of Santino's work. It was green and smelled absolutely horrible. He scratched away and wriggled around his bed. After about an hour of scratching, Carlito decided to leave and dragged Santino with him.

"Where are we a-going?" Santino asked.

"We're going to get the steroids we need to shut you up, er, I mean, the steroids we need to get big and then we're leaving this godforsaken place!"

As they walked away from the tent, they noticed a large crowd surrounding what looked like a wrestling ring. The announcer also doubled as a town crier.

"Here ye! Here ye! We have gathered on this day to watch a most wonderful spectacle! A wrestling match!"

The crowds cheered loudly. Their muscular bodies, rubbing against each other, produced a horrible smell that made The Boogeyman seem clean. Intrigued, the two walked into the crowd and made their way towards the ring. Inside the ring was a large hairy man wearing dirty suspenders. He had his back turned, so they weren't able to see his face.

"Now, I must ask thee, is there a soul brave enough to volunteer?"

"My good friend Carlito will beat-a anyone who gets in front him!" Santino yelled.

Carlito shit himself again.

"Oh jolly! The challenge has been accepted!" The town crier yelled. The crowd cheered in response.

Carlito pissed AND shit himself again.

The crowd from behind grabbed him and threw him into the ring. Carlito, with his cotton tights soaked, trembled in the corner. He glanced at Santino, who gave him a thumbs up. The bell rang, and his large, hairy opponent turned to face him. Carlito could swear he took a shit for a fourth time. It was the gay truck driver they had thrown out into the road.

"Well if it ain't my good lookin' friend." The Trucker said.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!" was all Carlito could say.

"You know what? You boys stole my truck and got me fired! But that's ok, it's just you and me now…" The Trucker said, advancing towards Carlito suggestively.

"Listen man! I'll give you anything you want!" Carlito said, bargaining.

"I want you, boy!"

"I'll give you money!"

"I don't need money!"

"I'll give you women!"

"Ahem…" The Trucker let out a small cough.

"Oh…right…I forgot, you're gay…" Carlito said softly.

He ran out of the ring and into the crowd, but they pushed him back into the ring. Suddenly, he felt a huge hand grab him. Carlito was lifted into the air and was immediately slammed down. He felt a warm, smelly sensation in his tights.

"Oh no…a fifth time…" Carlito whimpered.

"Don't worry. I handle with care, hehe" The Trucker said.

Carlito screamed like a girl as the crowd looked on. Meanwhile, far away, Santino was eating his cheesy poofs. He bumped into a large familiar looking janitor/stable boy.

"Hey! Triple H!" Santino said cheerfully.

"Oh, hey Santino." Triple H answered, "Where's Carlito?"

"Oh, he's wrestling some Trucker guy…So, why do you work-a in 'RoidsWorld?"

"Roids World?!" Triple H repeated, "Your in a Bodybuilding convention. Steroids aren't allowed here, and we have this medieval theme going."

"Oh…okey dokey!" Santino said, walking away.

* * *

Two days later, Carlito and Santino were back on the road. Carlito had several bruises in his face and even after thirteen showers, his lower body still smelled bad. They were now two days late for their house shows and Vince was going to be mad as hell. Anyway, that didn't matter. Carlito was able to escape from that trucker and after sneaking into the parking lot (Which they just found) they were able to hotwire Triple H's car and get the hell out of there. Carlito took a deep breath. It was finally over.

"Are we there yet?" Santino asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"

The crowbar on the floor was starting to look very tempting right about now.


End file.
